5 Things I am afraid to tell you…

Having a big ‘ole girl crush on Rachel Hollis from The Chic Site, she posted a blog called Things I’m Afraid to tell you. The idea is to step out of your comfort zone and your perfectly designed Instagram life, and take a real, raw, and honest look at yourself as a woman. Her courageous act has inspired me to write these words that I have not uttered out of my mouth yet as I write this and still question will it ever see the light of the internet… https://thechicsite.com/2017/05/11/things-i-am-afraid-to-tell-you/

So here are my things I am afraid to tell you about me

1. I had a miscarriage at 41 years old. I was shocked to even see the store brand bought pregnancy test with a plus sign. I could not believe my eyes. After several years of not using protection and no baby I thought I was dried up. Finito. My days of procreation are over. So obviously I freaked the fuck out. Then the roller coaster of emotions took over. I was so excited and happy to add to my little family. Next, panic stricken. Sophie is autistic. What if I have another autistic kid? I would just shoot myself. I am 41 years old. So many more risks plus money. You need massive amount of money to have a kid. Where would I get that?  Where would I put a kid. I live in a 2-bedroom apartment. And as I say all that, the biggest thing I am afraid to tell you is this…my first thought was I could finally have an typical kid, do typical stuff and have a child who speaks. Who says momma (before the age of 3) plus thousands of more words. Who uses a fork, wants to go potty, and plays with other kids in the park doing regular old kid stuff. I just want to take her to get a mani-pedi with me. Go to Disney Land, get invited to birthday parties, have sleep overs all typical kid stuff that others may not appreciate how wonderful this is for a kid and parent.

2. I am afraid of what people think, I am 41 years old and afraid to put my voice out there. I know I am here to coach and serve women just like you and I am fuckin’ afraid of what people have to say. Not everyone is going to like it, not everyone is going to like me and as I know this logically I focus on that instead of the hundreds of women who may need to hear the message or can relate to my story or give them on ounce of courage to make that change. Why do we focus on the negative. It is really pissing me off. I know I am worth and deserve so much more!

3. I drink. I like my wine, I love beer and I like the socializing around having a drink. It has been a huge part of my life since I was 14 having a wine cooler at Heather’s sleep over party. It was so much fun and honestly I have not stopped drinking.  I was a bartender for Pete’s sake. Going nine months during pregnancy felt like torture. I drink when I am happy and celebrating, I drink when I am pissed and upset. I have this crazy relationship with alcohol. I have been in the personal growth and development arena for over 10 years and I always felt that drinking is such a taboo in this community. I am a freaking life coach, transformational group facilitator, motivational speaker and soon to be author and I drink where I forget how I got to bed. Now this doesn’t happen daily more like quarterly and I feel guilty. I feel like it makes me a fraud. Like a fake, talking all this self care, self love shit and passing out at night. Yet this beautiful women said to set myself free I must just say it. Tell my story. So here it is. Step #1. Saying it out loud…I drink.

4. I believe in beauty inside and out and I am vain. I said it. I want to look good. I want to feel good in my skin and l LOVE makeup, hair products and clothes. I think women need to take the time and care about their appearance. I mean, I am not saying pull a Kardashian full face look, I am saying you are worth time, effort and money to feel beautiful, to look gorgeous on the outside and feel it on the inside.

5. This one maybe obvious if you know me, yet I curse. I drop the F bomb a lot and in front of my kid. I say shit, asshole and f*ck way too much. I have a trucker’s mouth and it is not my favorite part of me. This is something I would like to change and not for appearance sake, just something for me to be more conscious about. As I love dropping the F bomb here and there, I think I can use it more for statement making instead of an adjective.

Well, there it is. My top 5. If this finds a way to you and you can relate to even one word please give me a shout out below! I know I am not alone on this yet sometimes it just feels that way.

With courage, grace and lady balls,

Featured photography by Juan Ogando. Follow on Instagram @juanogando