Lotto and Rub Offs

He (my father) died 1.10.11. Four ones in his death date. His mother, my grandma Sophie (who my daughter is named after) died on 4.1 (April 1, 2011) three months after my father did. Her grave site is #41 in Passaic, NJ. They both played “the numbers” and loved those rub offs (which are really scratch offs) as my grandmother would call them. They lived in different states and would call each other to report on the winning numbers. Yolonda Vega seemed to be apart of the family every night.  My father found inspiration for picking his numbers from the family members birthdates, his anniversary to my new license plate number. Numbers are everywhere and there is no coincidence that they even made it in their deaths. They left me numbers to play for life.

However, I rarely play lotto or scratch offs anymore. Yet, every so often I do when my heart misses them so much or I’m in Vegas and I find the cheapest slot machine and take a spin for my grandmother (she was an avid AC going with her ladies club).  It’s those little moments that can knock me down and steal my breathe. It’s when the change oil sign goes on in my car, when my pants need a hem, when the Yankees are playing, when a deck of cards come out to play gin rummy or summer nights of grilled hamburgers and grandma Sophie brownies for dessert. It is in every day little moments that crush you. Whether it has been 1 day, 10 months or almost 7 years the grief still lives within you.

My beautiful friend Lauren told me it doesn’t get easier, you just learn to live a different way! Simple yet so complex. I’m still learning to live a different way and that way looks different every single day!

With courage, grace and lady balls,

Featured Photography by Juan Ogando. Follow on Instagram @juanogando